You have been here for me as long as I can remember. You have been here when I was happy, when I was sad, when I celebrated, when I mourned. You have been my constant companion. I was never alone because I knew you were near. How do I say goodbye?
I attended my first support group in Birmingham yesterday. It was so wonderful to see the successes, to hear the pain and honesty, to witness the gratitude. One major take away was how everyone talked about the support of those who love them. It reminded me of AA and how we are powerless over some many things in our lives. I knew then that my success will depend on the support of a group like this (Thank you Vickie, but hopefully closer) and the great love I receive from so many.
I am also embracing what I have always know about myself. I am not easy to live with and I am not always comfortable around people. This may seem odd and difficult to understand but alone time has always been my safe place. I have worked at being a people pleaser and made it my goal insure comfort and happiness for those around me as best as I could. Many know that I am EXTREMELY non-confrontational and I shut down in argumentative situations. Let’s just say it….I don’t like conflict! Yes, I know I should just put on my big girl panties and get over it. Probably ain’t gonna happen….but I digress.
Food is my safety, my comfort, my place to go when I am stressed, bored, happy, sad, scared, confused, content, oh and did I mention hungry… So many talked yesterday about how they hear “you took the easy way out” in making the surgery choice but even pre-surgery I can tell you there is nothing easy about this choice and it is about to get so much harder. Imagine being addicted to what keeps you alive. How do you “walk” away from from? I’m 52 years old, I have tried EVERY diet, I have exercised and ate “right”, I have done what everyone has told me to do. It has nothing to do with willpower, it has nothing to do with motivation (I just came in from a 3.5 mile walk) and I am still at 275.2 lbs this morning.
I am tired. Tired of the weight, tired of the fear, tired of the hiding. I am tired and I hope we can end this relationship on a healthy note. Thank you FOOD for being there but it’s almost time to say goodbye.